In my other posts I wrote about the positive sides of working overseas. It is amazing experience, and once you get used to that, it will be hard for you to stay in one place for long time anymore. On the other hand, among the many down sides of living and working overseas, I think the subject of this post is the most critical and important. I saw many people (men and women) devastated, and their lives ruined because of this issue.
They say, “The decision is mine”. But is it?
I always get asked by the people who know me, “hey Andre, I have this job offer in Dubai, or Germany or Afghanistan …, and I am considering it, great opportunity, what do you think?” or “Hey Andre, I am trying to find a job overseas, I want to make more money and do what you did, what is your advice? Can you help me find a job overseas?”. My answer to them is the same always, “ask your spouse first”.
Although, I love working overseas, the travel, the adventure, the move from one place to another, however, my spouse at the time, my Ex now, did not like that. Hence, I had to live alone, and far from my family, and due to that, I had two divorces and few painful breakups. Traveling and working long hours, and staying alone, and focused on your goals is not for everyone.
In this post, I will not talk about the why(s) or the how(s) of the possible breakups or divorces, I will cover that in future posts. In this post, I will talk about what might happen or happened to me and many others I know. Some of the guys I know were very devoted to their families, and suddenly I saw them change. They start to party, not focused on work, and start getting angry when talking about their families, and usually what that means is that one of them started seeing someone else. I used to see girls in our workplace suddenly cannot focus, worried, tired and some even cry at work.
I know many girls work overseas and send all their salaries back home, and suddenly she found out that the husband, or the boyfriend back home was caught with someone else using her money. In many cases she starts feeling lonely and got involved with someone and she got pregnant and now that is a huge family problem and a legal problem in countries like UAE or Qatar.
I was supposed to be here for 3 years only, what went wrong?
In many cases, what happens is that you suddenly discover that something changed in you or in your spouse, and the relationship is over. Someone would say if the breakup was that easy, maybe it was destined to happen anyways, being apart just made the end faster, and that might be true. However, being close to your family, helps you feel the change faster and before it is too late, you can work to fix the relationship, or at least if the divorce will happen anyways, you are there, and you can keep at least part of your old life going on unchanged. If you are overseas, all will be gone, you will most probably leave everything behind and start a new life in your new location.
From my experience and talking to many friends (men or women, from the western countries or the east), the first breakup or divorce is what kept them from going back home, they have nothing to go back too, so they start a new life where their work is, because that is all what they are left with.
How long should I stay overseas?
Traveling for short periods of time (weeks, months and even a year), makes you and your spouse feel the need for each other, you will feel the need for your home (homesick), friends, and your old life, food, routine. For short period of time travel, most probably, will strengthen your relationship and you both will feel the value of having each other, and how blessed life you have together.
On the other hand, traveling alone for extended periods of time (The third year in my case), has that sudden feeling of freedom. It is true, you feel like a married bachelor or bachelorette. My wife sometimes used to joke saying her life was the best life, married but yet alone and free, the only thing kept our relationship was the big check in the bank every month.
After a while living like that, you start feeling like you are nothing but an ATM machine, and when you go back on vacations, you feel like a guest, your bed is not your bed anymore, your closet is not your closet anymore, even your dog or cat will not welcome you as they use to. Your kids already are older and have their own lives and will not be there like before and like you always remembered. Life will move on without you.
How can I keep my relationship strong?
The best ideal situation would be that you take your family with you. In many cases that would be hard because of the kids schooling, or spouses work and unwillingness to change his/her life.
I see people (including myself) try to put a routine of phone calls, plan romantic trips to keep the relationship going, or buy a new house, or a new car, or spend more money on accessories, in some cases I saw couples want to have more kids, to divert attention. However, none of that are temporary solutions, and never will be enough and will never substitute your presence in your family’s life.
What I saw might work the best, is to put a plan with your spouse or significant other, treat the overseas work as a project with a specific goals and finite time to achieve that goal. Also, make sure you keep in communication in a routine manner, be involved in their lives, and let them be involved in yours. Show progress in the plan you mutually planned, remind each other that this was a mutual planned project. Do not fail a promise, for example, if you promised or planned to leave and get back after certain time or after reaching a specific goal, make sure you do. If you saw things not going per plan, go back.
Conclusion
Expat life is an eye opening and life changing experience, but I know it is not for everyone. If the goal is to explore and live a life of finding yourself, search for meaning in life, adventure, exploration, and constant change, then expat life is for you. If the reason for your leaving, is to go for a short period of time to reach a certain financial or career goal and stick to that plan and get back home, then that is also a win situation.
However, if the intent is to escape your life, or responsibilities, or a situation in your home country, then I would suggest you end that situation first, then check if you still want to travel, do not waste your life drifting from one place to another without aim or goal.
I know people lost their family, their life back home, and felt trapped in the new country, start drifting from work to work, from country to country, from relationship to another till they end up at an age that they must pay money for companionship and confuse that for a relationship.
Many of these types of people, you can see them online bragging on their YouTube channels about their beautiful life with a partner younger than their kids or even grandkids. I have seen retired men and women with partners in their 20s. make no mistake, that is not a relationship, and I know all of them ended up with devastation, and devastation at that age will be unrecoverable and it will end you in a tragic way.
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